And Breathe

Okay, I think everything is working out. I think the process to make all better has begun and I can just hide behind my many shifts till everything is better. Overpush the body and have one of the loneliest weeks I've had for a while. A long while. But maybe it won't be so much lonely as solitary. Loneliness ain't too grand, but solitude can be amazing. It actually won't be too bad at all. Stuff happens throughout the week. It's just harder to see people when school is gone. But I don't miss school. However, I don't think I could ever work a real job full time. I think I'd go insane. And you need schooling to have a decent job that I could tolerate working much time per week.

Integrity was a opic brought up recently in a thing I was at. It went all over. Integrity is an outgrowth of your relationship with God. Integrity means you don't hide behind your masks, you don't even use masks, you are consistent in who you are. Jesus was te only man with true integrity. Integrity is much linked to accountability. What is accountability? An open honestness, asking questions that some would fear, and answering personal questions to those close who could be called your partners of accountability. I think accountability is crucial to integrity. It keeps you honest, and real to yourself. Sometimes we try to justify things that really shouldn't be justified. Accountability lets friends speak to that. Keeps you in check.

So yeah. Good stuff to work on at least. I think I should read more. There are a lot of amazing books out there. Really. If you know any good ones, lemme know. Also, if you got thoughts on integrity, I'm all ears.

Heh Heh Heh...Oops

Well, I didn't do it. In fact, now I'm working from Monday til Saturday...4-10 monday, 5-12 tuesday, 12-4 wednesday, 1145-4 thursday, 9-5 friday, then 8-12 July 1st. Kinda counter productive eh? compared to what I was planning to do anyway. When I'm there though, it doesn't seem so bad. The shoes hurt, and most of the customers are jerks( well, its more 50 50), but it's almost fun. I don't get it. Maybe I don't want to quit. It doesn't really get in the way of chilling with my friends, cuz they all have their own crazy plans already anyway. I don't need the money though. It represents being able to do the things my friends do. that's why I'd have it and mostly how I would use it. AHHHHH! I confuse myself. How did I get all those shifts? At a time when I thought I needed money, I asked for more hours. The next day, I discovered I didn't. I told them, but I think they only heard what they wanted to hear. ANd I let them get me to take shifts I don't want, etc, so yeah. Backwards. Tell me what you think I should do. I prolly won't do what you say to, but your input could influence my actions. You have that power.

Quit?

First Saturday after school is out. Yay. Well, I guess it isn't a real Saturday, because you don't work on a real Saturday. But then, I've haven't had a real Saturday for a long time. Which is why I think I'm going to quit. And because I don't really want money. The job wasn't for money. It was for that trip that continues on without me. It won't include me now, so why should I keep on working? For money? That seems pointless. I live with my parents, and they feed me and get me stuff and pretty much all I need. Money is for bigger stuff that they can't afford. Like big trips. I'm pretty we've always been in debt to some level. One day we won't be anymore. One day, long after I've left the house. Yay. That day is pretty soon. If my absolutely crazy plan that spans the next year works, then in one year I am out of here.
Right, so I must let my day commence at last. Au revior.

Well....

This will be my emo post. Hopefully my only one for the summer. Which got longer then it was this morning. Even though I called this my emo post, I'm going to try to mention all the better things, and why it doesn't make sense to be emo. For me anyway.
And begin. For one, school is out. The summer I've been waiting for forever is finally here. Well, not quite the summer I have been waiting for, but the summer the same. I think I'll pass everything that matters. and if I dont pass what doesn't matter, who cares? Should the credits make me care? It's just another course I don't really need. Why do I even take those? To increase my knowledge. You don't need to pass the course to prove you've learned something. My head is now full of crap I'll never need that it would never have been filled with if it hadn't been taken. All and all, it's over. No more full the whole summer. Let's me do nothing. Or everything.
I aquired the new underoath cd today. It's interesting. Different. I like it. So far. I've come into some mioney recently so I can get the music and crap I want now.
So, I talked with this guy named Jim Atwood, the representative of the precious jewels ministries, that Michael and I were to attend in the Philippines in August. They were having an issue letting me on, Because I'm a minor. Whatever. God will let me go. They resolved their issue. They decided to stick to the policy. So I decided I don't fancy policies too much. They said I can't go yet, but come next year. What they don't understand is that there is no point for me to go next year. I'm not going there alone. And I didn't think Michael should have either. So I would go with him. I would get a job and work saturdays and skip out on anything so that I could go along. I would give August away, and spent more money than I've ever possessed in my life. But they said no. Now what?
Suddenly everything is different. The August I've kept clear is empty. I will soon have more money than I know what to do with. And Michael will be gone from August til forever. Not forever, but he goes to school in September. Sure, I guess there are good things about not going. But I'd rather go.

I don't like being emo. No fun at all.

Of Leadership (and such things)

I haven't spewed my thoughts for you for a time now, so here you go. I guess I'll go in reverse chronological order, just for kicks. And because it sorta makes sense on my side. So I think I might be starting to slow down. Maybe it was just a fluky weekend/week and I don't supposed I can measure by that, but this is something I told myself a couple years ago that I wouldn't do. I wouldn't slow down when I got older. I could be as I was. Forever. And now I might be going where I said I wouldn't. Guess I missed Neverland. But maybe not. We will just have to wait and see.
So there was a leadership meeting tonight, and it was to build leaders. Well, somewhat. To bring increased knowledge of what it is to be a leader. There were many words said. And character came up in the form of 'If I have to give up enough stuff so that my very character is watered down, am I really becoming a leader, or just a puppet of the people who wanted me like that'? Actually, I don't think it was anything like that at all. Okay okay, we shall work this through and figure it out. The phrase 'If you have a problem giving it up, then you have a problem' came up. This came from why we don't do things, and why we do things. Everything we do has reason, and that reason contributes to determining character. Come to think of it, the guys hub at historymaker was all about character. If we have to give up too much stuff to become a leader, so much that we aren't the people we were before, is that really what we are supposed to do? Sure, sometimes it builds character, but you are a leader because of who you are. You shouldn't have to change too much. Discretion is a good word. I don't know if that made any sense.
Once I was at Nanoose, and I think it was a retreat. It was just after one of the talks or sermons or whatever you want to call them, and Rob and I were just chilling in the seats. Rob likes to figure things out, to understand how they work, to analyze things. That's one of the things I admire about him. He was trying to figure out what kind of leader I am. At least, I think he was. He told me when he got an answer too. I guess it's pretty darn hard to figure yourself out. You don't really notice or pay attention to what you do. Well, I don't. Maybe that's a bad thing. Anyways. I've heard a couple sets of types of leaders. One was from Rob at this timeish. Unfortunately, I don't reallt remeber all of it. And the other was from Reid, who currently has some pretty good blog entries pertaining either directly or indirectly to leadership. Heroes are leaders in my mind. Even if they aren't a proclaimed hero until their death, the legacy left behind can be followed. So, what types of leaders can you think of?
And for all those who care where I'm going in the summer, Philippines stuff came quick. To be honest, I hadn't really done anything about it, it was all the marvelous Michael Cronk. But stuff is starting to happen. I sent most of the application off. Cronk has had a couple talks with the Precious Jewels Ministries branch in Victoria. We have the plane tickets availible and the money to pay for them(darn pricy), and he has an upcoming interview. All sounds good right? But they don't allow mnors. And according to age, I am a minor. But they might still let me go. That's one of the biggest things we are waiting on. Thing is, we might lose the opportunity to aquire these cheaper (but still expensive) plane tickets if we wait too long, so we are getting them now. I still don't know if they will let me go. But if I start worrying about that now with one week of school left and all courses demanding more work in(yay) I don't think I'd make it. Well, I guess there is only a week left. If you're running out of things to pray for, Pray that I'd get in so I can go with Michael. And maybe some money. Tickets have rendered me completely broke. Sucked dry.
Well, if any of you have the sudden urge to be a geek and play some starcraft, lemme know. The people on there are jerks for the most part, and I don't want to play with them anymore.

Oh and Reid, the test thinger is hardcopy, So I don't think I can send it through Internet easily.

Personality Test...

Today I took a test that was worth 500$. Yup. Yesterday actually, because the time says that today is tomorrow and stop writing and go to bed. But I don't listen to time well. Mostly I try to do the opposite. Anyways, this test was meant to reveal something about yourself you may or may not have known before. It helps determine jobs that you would like, because it basically lays out your personality. Of course, some skeptism is neccessary, because if you believed every test about personality you took, where would you be now? Plus, results can be directed if the question makes it obvious about what it is determining. Or if it tells you. Anyway...

There were four letters on this test. No there weren't. There were eight. But you end up with a four letter result. the first letters are E and I, stating whether you are Extroverted or introverted. Extraverted is people oriented; The extraverted person draws energy from being with people. They feel drained and lonely when by themselves. The Introverted person is the exact opposite. I got an E, which I figured, but it was closer to I then I thought it would be.
The next letter set were S and N, for Sensation and Intuition. Sensation is all about the immediate, the now, the real. The practical facts of experience and life. More solid, 'I can see and touch it' stuff. Intuition is more the possibilities, relationships and meanings of experiences. What could be? What would that mean if it did happen? That's what they think of more. Sensation says there is a cube. And that is all it is. Intuition says there's a cube, but we could make it a box, or a tower, or a castle. Or more cubes. I got the N on this one. Not sure why, but okay.
The continuing is T and F-NOT true and false but thinking and feeling. Thinking encompasses being objective, impersonal, considers causes of events, and where a decision may lead. The pros and cons. When they do stuff, they know what they are doing, and won't get stuck halfway. Nothing irrational. If someone ran over your pigeon on purpose, and then you saw there plytapus on the road, you wouldn't run it over because it's endangered and wrong to run animals over. Well, it's cruel anyways. Feeling is more subjective, personal, weighing the value of choices and how they matter to others. What were the circumstances? What would I have done? I suppose their titles were almost self explanatory. Thinking is rational, using the head, And Feeling is more heartfelt. More human. But human isn't a great thing, so I don't know if that word even fits there nicely. Weird enough, I got F. For fail. Ha. Just joking. It isn't for fail.
The final set are J and P-Judgement and Perception. Judging is decisive, planned, orderly, aiming for controlled, regulated events. A filing cabinet. Everything has it's place. This goes here and that goes there. Organized applies. It's like an office waiting room, or a rich person's house. Don't touch anything! Perception is more spontaneous, flexibly aiming to understand life and adapt to it. If I needed another analogy I would say a river. No real set course, just makes it's way down the mountain however. Random. Do I even need to tell you what I got on this one? Isn't it obvious?

So yeah, that lead to my letter combination of ENFP. There's papers telling me what that means; papers to tell me who I am based on that test. Oh well. So, if any of you want to take this test, just lemme know. I aquired a copy. Heh heh. Yeah. And if you do take it, remember, it's more like guidelines then actual rules. 1 month till the release of Pirates!!

Heaven on Earth

It's so easy to comment on other people's blogs, but then it come to mine and I don't know what to say. And then I don't want to comment too much on the others because of some blogging jazz I don't know about. But really, who cares about that? Rules were meant to be broken. Just don't live your life off that idea. Don't let rules scare you. Especially social rules. They don't matter. If they are your friends, they will still be your friends. Who cares if you slurp or snort or get easily distracted? That doesn't really matter. So these will be my thoughts that hopefully won't be sanitized because they are something that is offensive and make me hated among all. Because it simply doesn't matter.

Some of us went down to see a movie in Victoria, but we were about an hour early, so we went to the mall. Mastered going up the down escalator. Vice versa is a bit more tricky. Played with some geek toys. Searched for Batman comics. And I saw a guy who I kind of know. He's in a couple of my classes. And if I could only get to know one new person well this year, I think it would be him. He is soo funny and quirky and it's pretty amazing in my mind. So that made me pretty happy.

But what really got more excited was a preview. For a sequel to one of the best movies ever. July 7th my friends. Then we can begin the search for the dead man's chest. Then we became immersed in the world of Marvel. It's pretty crazy there. Sometimes, after watching movies I've already seen, it feels like I've already done the stuff that I do after the movie. I guess maybe it's just so good that it captures my mind, and I sort of know what's coming, to it translates into real life afterwards for a minute or two. It wasn't like that after this movie. I hadn't seen this one before. This one just made me feel like I was invincible and could do anything. Not like anything anything, just stuff that I've wanted to do for a while, but haven't because I don't know how or I want to avoid awkwardness. Like getting to know that guy I mentioned before.

And more to look forward to, for me at least, starts right before Nanoose Bay Camp, and ends shortly after Nanoose's beginning. Some Lutheran conference in Alberta. I don't really care about the thing. It's more about the people who will be there. I haven't seen them for over two years now. Over one year at least. They are probably the reason why I think Pirates of the Caribbean was so great, And pretty much why I started playing bass. Definitely among the coolest kids I know, but they live of in Mill Bay and Surrey, so I never see them. Maybe I should just take small trips places, to see the friends of mine that reside not on the island but in B.C., just out of reach. Or learn to drive and go up-island for some of those kids. Guess there just isn't much reason for them all to come to Sidney.

Maybe I shouldn't stay in Sidney then. I can do pretty much anything, and I have one year to decide. Maybe I'll decide to chill around here more, but eventually I'll decide to leave. Well, actually, I've already decided that that is going to happen someday. One day I'll just leave for somewhere. Mostly what stops me is 'where would I go'. Well, I'm guessing that's what will stop me once I'm out of school, which is what's stopping me now. Or maybe I don't really want to go. That thing about having friends is there will always be goodbyes. The more friends, the more goodbyes. A comfort of being a Christian and having Christian friends is knowing that one day you will find them all again. That goodbye doesn't have to be forever. For all I know, there are people out there who I consider friends, who I will never see again. On earth anyways. But one day, we will meet again and prolly have some lame small talk conversation. That's okay though, because all conversations start somewhere. Heaven will be pretty grand. Sad thing about earth is that you'll never know when the last goodbye is. Maybe that's okay. Just wait till the reunion then.

Until then, we can make a heaven on earth.