I Don't Exist

I was browsing around the other day, and found my distraction. It was a webcomic, like any other. This one was a semi-biographical one. So, it parallels blogs, except higher up because It has pictures. Pictures make everything better. They really do. I mean, if a picture is worth a thousand words, then I just need to find a few pictures and I could encapsulate the entirety of this blog. I should try that sometime. There are many amazing pictures out there. Yup.

But, getting back to my segway, I sort of kind of tried to paint the picture of who the person was from the comics that were written. But then I followed the link trail to somewhere more professional than a webcomic. Yup. It might have been partly true, the picture my head painted, but it was incomplete for sure.

It just kind of brought to my attention that you couldn't get to know me by this place alone. It might paint some of a picture, but it is only part of it. I guess it's a good thing. No random stranger can come and know exactly how much of a jerk I am. Haha. That privilege is reserved for those who know me I guess.

Speaking about that and words and stuff, I've decided that some many things point towards a small change that should be made in how I conduct myself. I'm not going to tell you what it is, and it will be slow going as it's pretty much breaking a habit, but once it is done, it will be spectacular. Uplifting almost. You'll know when it happens. You'll go home and write it down in your journal ( You all have one of those right? This is pretty much mine. I used to have a real one, one made of paper. One that only I read. But I still wrote like this, so I figured...If I write here lots... ) about how amazing it is. Yup. Maybe if you are lucky, you can figure out what this transformation is? Haha.

By the way, the title isn't something to worry about. It's mostly just...I said I would be back when I had a dream. I had dreams, but I couldn't remember anything, so really...When I have a dream worth sharing, You will see it. It might be a while though.

So....What does God sound like? I was chilling, right before sleep came, my mind thinking pretty well, because minds think better tired. Mostly because there is nothing to stop them from thinking. And anyways, One of my thoughts was my name. I describe it as one of my thoughts only because that's where it was, with all my other thoughts. It sounded kind of like a Russian guy. I love the Russians. They keep amazing me more and more as I learn of their history. I guessed it was God, and instead of listening, decided it was telling me to get back on track because...Well, my thoughts were kind of distracted from what I originally intended to get thought out. That probably wasn't what it was for though....

umm....Haha. Wouldn't it be great if we didn't ever say 'umm'? It's pretty much stalling for time. And sounds silly. And is kind of annoying when people say it when they are presenting. Maybe it's better than silence, But silence brings awkwardness and funniness. Pretty much goodness. That all goes into the mix for my vision of an outstanding orator.

I think I need to find a top hat.

Master Pogo Stick Jumper

So, I'm knitting a scarf. Apparently it looks so good, it's as though a machine did it. My conclusion: I must be a machine. Yup.

So, I was just cruising around blogworld, and then I got stuck somewhere, reading something. It wasn't on anything really. It just shone character. You could here them saying it. It was...Well, I actually didn't notice until 2 clicks later when I saw another one, and it was from someone with a completely different character. My mind is ripped out of the presence of one. It's pretty crazy to think about how different people are. And these blogs give windows to the mind, published to the world. Haha. Most people don't care.

People are funny. They don't really make any sense at all. This might be awkward, cuz they read this, but I try not to be like my siblings. I try to be separate. Different. But I keep doing stuff that I know they do. But...Gah. They seem to enjoy they different. They come to. So I go more different. Maybe if I try to be absorbantly obnoxious...Err... Maybe that will work. But, why does it even matter? See? People are weird. They don't make any sense at all.

Hokay, I like challenges, so here is one to you. I want you to have a dream. Not like' I'm going to be an astronaut'. That's nice and all, but I want real dreams. Like, You-were-sleeping-and-then-rabbits-attacked-you-but-then-they-were-all-cupcakes-and-were-sprinkled-with-annoying-dashes-on-the-top-that-you-couldn't-wipe-away kind of dreams. I'm never typing a dashed thing that long ever again. So, I want you to go have a sleep, dream a dream, and come back and tell us what the dream was. I'll be back when I have one.

This should be fun...

Trees or Branches?

So, I definitely yoinked this title from someone else's blog. Can you find who? I'd say I'd give you a prize if you're the first to find it, but I don't have many prize things to offer. No money, see? But if you can think of a prize I can deal out, lemme know. Wow. That's an amazing deal guys. Play my game and name your prize. Does it get any better? It can be yours for only...

Welcome home to those who have returned. A couple of them came to my house Friday morning ( apparently there was no school. Okay. ) and whisked me away on an adventure through...nah. Just an adventure. It was a grand time, like those of old, but now I don't think I can focus at all for the one more week I have to focus for. Mmm school going up to three days before Christmas. Sweet, huh? Oh no. I think I'm getting sick. Maybe if I ignore it, it'll go away.

Friday night was cool. Roberto (Raw-BEAR[<--roll the R]-toe{eww...it wasn't meant to sound like that, honest}*yeah brackets:P*)...Okay, sentence restart. I only got one word into that one too... ohh...

Rob spoke on some stuff. He speaks much different than Andrew. It isn't better or worse. Just different. But, I do have my preference. It was basically about living what you want, if I remember correctly. If I said I wanted good grades in school, but didn't do any of the work, then I really don't want those grades enough to do anything about it. You gotta work for that. Yup. That was probably in the back of my mind somewhere. But bringing it up to the front got me wondering...

How long do you have to fake something before you aren't faking it anymore? There was a guy at a prank site who tried to see if he could give himself OCD by going through the actions. It didn't work. But that's not what I'm talking about. I guess I mean faking something into habithood. Hmm...this isn't coming together well.

Like, sometimes your doing stuff, and it's stuff, and everyone's like' good job you' and you're all like 'sure', because really you're just going through the motions. Can you just go through the motions, and then eventually they won't feel empty anymore? Like, with tongues, that might be a good example. Because I understand nothing of it. I was at this camp once, and the guy said' hey, if you want to speak in tongues, you gotta get your tongue moving first, blah blah blah' Those blahs might have held important information, but I don't remember them, so they probably don't add to my story. Then he called kids to the front. And would come to them, have them speak 'in tongues', and then have them carry on. So, you just opened your mouth and made jibberish, and those were tongues. Umm...okay. So if I just make jibberish come out of my mouth, does that mean I'm speaking in tongues? If it does, I speak in tongues a lot more than I know. If I keep speaking that jibberish ( gibberish...whatever ), does God just come and make it into something worth saying? Does that motion translate to praising God?

I stole a book from some guy today. I let him know, and he'll get it back eventually. We had a Christmas play type dilly at the church, and there was definately an hour long break with nothing to do. I couldn't even fall asleep. It was terrible. But, then I found this book. That will go titleless for now. But it's about two historical dudes. One is the Freud Dude, and the other is C.S. Lewis. It pretty much compares there lives, as they believed and defended well the opposite ends of Christianity. And by that, I mean only one falls in that category. One vouched for God, that other said he wasn't real. I figured it would be a good book to read. Apparently I like debates, so I might as well read about one between some smart people. Right? But, I could never get my knitting done in time with reading a book. 6 days left. Wow. Christmas is darn close. It's about 8 days away now. It's sneaking up, and I don't really care.

Somebody killed Christmas. That's a shame. And everybody will be talking about Christmas for the next little while, so from now on, I vow not to speak of Christmas till the rush and advertising are over. And someone tell the kid messing with the weather machine to calm down. He's gonna sink our island, or something ridiculous if he keeps it up..

Where's the Storm?

Hello hello, fellow sidnians, and assorted others.

Oh...I just saw he time. That's a shame. I guess that's why I suddenly got tired. But there is so much to tell that I've been putting off telling for so long and if I don't do it now it won't get done for another couple days, and then I'll become like one of those weekly bloggers who get a new blog up every week even though a million things happen in a week and by the time the talk about it, it goes something like 'there is too much to tell', and then they tell none of it and it's really silly. I think most of that is one sentence. Amazing, hey?

Okay, so I went to the church this evening. Yup. There were definitely two completely different things happening. I learned a bit of music theory (Yeah being in school band for 5 years and learning no theory at all. What's a drummer need with theory. And now I'm a bassist. Okay.) And then ate some pizza and messed around with the piano. I wanna learn how to play piano so that it matches in with some crazy fast, completely non-classical music. That would be sweet. But that's not my point yet. Eventually we all sat down to pray. Again, of course. Every good Christian prays about 128 times a day. Yup. And we were all praying for the person beside us. Okay. I can do that. But what I couldn't do was provide a ting for the person to pray for me. I'm not perfect and I know it. But, nothing is truly wrong either. Nothing is screaming 'CHANGE ME!' I guess it shouldn't have to. I'm not very observant in some things. So I said something about my lack of motivation owards homework. Which I think is stupid. It's my fault I don't do homework. I should be self motivated to do it. I shouldn't be praying to God to change something that is completely my fault. I guess a bunch of the things we pray for are our faults. But it seems silly to pray that God would make you choose something different, after he gave us freewill to choose what we want. I thought it was sort of embarrassing, so I didn't even try to word it correctly. Just enough words so they could piece together what I meant. Now they think I have bad grammar. Oh well.

A while ago, I found an email in my junk mail folder(once upon a time, the filter got set on some pretty high security, so anything sent from an address that I've never encountered before goes to there) and it spoke of a site, attempting to unite Christian bloggers. It looked kind of boring. But they wanted me to join. I guess cuz I wrote that thing once that kind of tied in with God and such. I don't know. I'm Christian, and a blogger, but I don't know if what I blog here is really Christian enough. Well...Maybe it is increasingly so.

Like, the online risk thing has a forum, ad there are definitely Christians who think it is a good idea to try to prove by logic that God is real. Bad idea. It pretty much became a verbal war between the two sides. I stepped in, said some stuff, stepped out. Kind of didn't want to go beck to see the responses. They always come out different then I intend. But I went back, said some more. I haven't said anything there for a while. But I think I came across as someone who is Christian, but could slip out. Hee hee. Well, let's back up a bit.

There this guy who goes by jay, and he continually throws Bible talk at the rest of them, and they counter it, and say,'don't use the Bible to prove this next one'. It seemed as though it was him versus them. I didn't really like the them too much. But whatever. Soon, when I said a couple things...I guess I started to like them more. I'm pretty sure this jay guy built them up to be against him. They are solid people with firm ideas. Misguided maybe, but firm. They just don't need God. They have their wives and children and a good life, and if God was so good, why is this like that? So, how do you reach people who don't think they need God? Who think the Bible is nothing more than a book of fictional, inspirational stories to help people who need help along? Debating with them won't do that. And I know I'm not quick enough to do that anyway. But..They are good people. It's a shame that their death won't be as good as their life.

It's also cool talking with them, not really attacking each other. That's what it sort of seemed like before. That's why I didn't like them. I value opinions tat don't match mine. Hopefully those who hold opinions contrary to mine can defend them well enough to make me think about why mine are mine. I grew up in the church pretty much. I don't really know anything else. I guess the forums are cool, because nobody knows anything about you there. You are ageless, faceless, genderless. They know nothing about you that you don't tell them. You just get raw opinions.

It's cool in that sense, but sad too. All these good people are heading towards nothing. What's worse, is there is nothing I can do to help them. They don't want help.

Profound?

I just had a thought. And I'm here to figure it out with you. Yup.

I wanted to say something profound. Like, amazingly, world-changingly profound. But then...you can't plan those things. You can't go and have a thought like that. They have to just happen. That's the way it is. You have to be thinking to have such thoughts of course, because when you think, thoughts are had, and if you aren't then there are no thoughts, thus none can be profound.

But then...where is the line between profoundness and confusion? Be right back...

Profound:

1.penetrating or entering deeply into subjects of thought or knowledge; having deep insight or understanding: a profound thinker.
2.originating in or penetrating to the depths of one's being; profound grief.
3.being or going far beneath what is superficial, external, or obvious: profound insight.
4.of deep meaning; of great and broadly inclusive significance: a profound book.
5.pervasive or intense; thorough; complete: a profound silence.
6.extending, situated, or originating far down, or far beneath the surface: the profound depths of the ocean.
7.low: a profound bow.
8.Deep

Confuse

1.to perplex or bewilder: The flood of questions confused me.
2.to make unclear or indistinct: The rumors and angry charges tended to confuse the issue.
3.to fail to distinguish between; associate by mistake; confound: to confuse dates; He always confuses the twins.
4.to disconcert or abash: His candor confused her.
5.to combine without order; jumble; disorder: Try not to confuse the papers on the desk.
6.Archaic. to bring to ruin or naught

So... Profound things are deep. To confuse is to bring lack of clarity. So a profound confusion would mean that you have uncertainty inside. Or... I cannot put many more thoughts together right now. Maybe you can. Go for it.

December

All of it. Right here. Fit into one post. Don't think it can be done? Mwaha.

Well, here we go guys. We will start with yesterday morning, skipping most of everything, including what I think is worth while.

Mmm church. Actually, it was kind of scary. Apparently Christmas time equates to discussing the second coming. I guess it makes sense. One Sunday after church, I stayed home for a while, just kind of waiting for nothing. You know, one of those days. And my parents had some thing going. It's like a radio show, except it was definitely on cd, and not radio. It was meant to mirror reality. As in, the reality of how we live our lives here affects how we spend the rest of eternity. And I missed the beginning. I definitely came in at the part where everyone was being judged. About 2 people got through. Out of 6. You know how they say that there are about a billion Christians worldwide? Well, the way isn't narrow for nothing. I don't think everyone is getting through. Not to judge anyone, but...It scares me.

What if tradition and showmanship and church attendance isn't enough, like some pastors say? Like the bible says? They didn't even have churches for so long. What if I haven't done what needs to be done? AHH!

As said, it scares me. As selfish as that may be. I was talking with a friend of mine, and he said whenever the 'second coming' was brought up, he would think of those who having been saved. My response went something like 'yup'. Clearly I would bring up such issues in private conversation. I would wait a day or so and then put it here for the world. Of course.

And the day carried on. There was definitely a parade. I don't like parades really. The best thing about them is the candy being thrown. I can't remember the last parade I saw that I wasn't in. And that's how it was. I was heading towards where ever our float was, looking silly in a Joseph type garb. It was definitely green. Like, almost completely. But the point is, I got there, and nobody was there. So, after a good awkward wait in the cold, someone else showed up. This lady pretty much made my day. She came and asked me where the carollers were, and I didn't know, so I said so. And we kind of made small conversation. The she started praying. Compared to my thoughts of the morning, I was pretty much listening good, because, you know, when you're scared for your rest of eternity, you ask the guy running things where all is at. I'm thinking something like,'maybe this is his answer, or assurance, or something?' It was really cool. After she finished praying, she started telling me about her life. To some, when older people start telling their life stories, they can seem really boring. But there is a reason they are telling them to you. And it isn't to put you to sleep. She wishes she had gone to bible college. She said stuff about quickening. As said, it made my night.

The next morning, I decided reading my bible might be a good thing to do. To be honest, I haven't read it for early a year. Not really read it. And many things seemed to be pointing towards perhaps reading it. Like, the fact that someone else recently posted about bread (as the eater of bread, if that is what I am, it must be relevant, right?), and the cool lady said something about the word pouring out, and as he reads it in the morning, by the end of the day it would pour through him somehow. Well, it can't pour through if it doesn't enter. So I tried. But where? So I picked Romans. The book the pastor used on Sunday when he spoke about... Oh. Great idea.

I spoke of how times would be when people turned from God. I only read the first chapter, but it still feels like you are missing a lot.

And the day goes on. Hey kids, respect your parents. I know it sucks, but do it anyways. It's just better that way. My dad recently decided that we each do an hour of work a night. That way, we can have the house clean by Christmas. Now, the endless benefits of doing it:
The house gets clean
I'm happy (living in a messy house is horrible. I mean, it's good if you have no friends, but if you do, nobody can really come over, you don't feel too grand about your house, etc.)
Dad is happy
And they see you helping out to clean the house (even thought they told you to) so they go a bit easier on you.

So, to end this monster post, I give you one more point of advice I remember reading once in a very good book. It went something like, never let the sun set on your anger. I heard once that your body doesn't break food down as healthy if you are angry when you are eating it. It makes food worse for you. Just trust me, even if the food thing is wrong, it's some good stuff.

Trail mind, like Trail mix. Mmm Good

Hello hello. I have come once again to expand your mind to know again things that you already know. Once again, this involves trying to follow my thought process, which doesn't always make sense. Or translate into words. Are you ready?

So the other night I came home, and my sister was doing some homework on the compy. So I bugged her for a minute or two, and then decided I could go catch up on some reading. Five minutes later, I decided that was a bad idea. So I lay there, and start wondering wonders...

Like what are book really made of? Sure, there are paragraphs and chapters and sentences, but those don't make a book. They make, maybe say, a house. Now, what do you put in there to make it a home? What are the building blocks for making a book? They aren't sentences, because those are built. I think it even transcends words. I thought that maybe books were to be built around ideas, or maybe a collaboration of ideas.

This may seem blatantly obvious to you, but for me, the only reason I ever had to write a book was to have a book written and handed in and marked so the teachers wouldn't bug me. The book was never really about anything. I didn't have to think about how books are made. Not that I have to now. Unless I can write a book or two, call it a job, and carry on being lazy. It really isn't that great a trait. Speaking of greatness...

My thought of books having purpose, I gathered books I read had purpose, but book projects I wrote didn't, led me to wonder why good books were good, and bad books bad. What makes great things great? You could be viewed as evil, yet still be great. Greatness is somewhat based on success when it comes to looking at it in people, but all who are successful are not great. But, is greatness even based on success at all? Can you not be successful and still great?

And, back to the inanimate context, what makes things great? Why is great literature great? I wouldn't say I am well versed enough in these types of writing to have any insight at all, but I don't think I would mind following that quest...